Sunday, March 09, 2008
B and I have started to talk about getting married. We are so different. In the three big areas, family, finances and sex, we already struggle.
I have a great relationship with my family and have healthy appropriate boundries - his family is overbearing, manupulative and at times abusive.
I have zero debt (except for my mortgage payment), assets totaling nearly 200K, and a retirement fund. I don't buy things I can't afford - ever. B, on the other hand, makes more money than I do and manages to spend more. He barely has equity in his house, he has 25K on credit cards, he never denies himself, even when he can't afford it.
I love being intimate. Kisses and hugs are great, but even better is a good night in bed or in the living room or in the kitchen. To me, sex is something that should be enjoyed as often as possible. B takes the conservative approach. Not only are we waiting for the main course until marriage, we don't even sample or even peak in the kitchen.
So with three big strikes in place, why are we still playing this game?
B is the kindest, most sensitive man, I have ever met. We have fun together! We can talk to each other about everything. He is intelligent and driven. He is generous and unselfish. He makes me feel safe, loved and important. He cares for me and about me. He would never intentially hurt me. He would try to move a mountain if he thought it would make me happy. He makes me laugh and smile. He is the first person I want to share my good stuff with and the one I want to lean on when I am hurting. He lets me cry. He smiles when I laugh. He still goes to movies with me. He loves Disney World and Christmas. He is loyal to his friends...
I could go on and on, but I wonder if it will be enough. Or are we doomed with three strikes.
Prayers
Kurt and Amy in Kenya
Missionaries
Homeless and hungry
Those who suffer oppression in Your name.
Wisdom for our leaders in the Military, government, state, city, church.
Healing for Kim Vertigo, Mom CTD, Grammy leg, Micah tummy, Brian finger, Mrs. W. surgery, Shay cancer
Becky spirit, Brandi home, Radka job, Regina job, Robin relationship, Alisia relationship, Tom spirit, Mac kids spirituality, Dad job, Brian stress/work
Work - focus, wisdom, grace, guidance, witness
Brian and I relationship - direction, gentle spirit, grace, put his needs before mine.
Priorities, purpose, character.
Health, eating, exercise
Praises
Worship today!
Chai Tea Latte and Banana Bread
Big snowflakes
Resources to eat out!
Quality time with Brian.
I have a great relationship with my family and have healthy appropriate boundries - his family is overbearing, manupulative and at times abusive.
I have zero debt (except for my mortgage payment), assets totaling nearly 200K, and a retirement fund. I don't buy things I can't afford - ever. B, on the other hand, makes more money than I do and manages to spend more. He barely has equity in his house, he has 25K on credit cards, he never denies himself, even when he can't afford it.
I love being intimate. Kisses and hugs are great, but even better is a good night in bed or in the living room or in the kitchen. To me, sex is something that should be enjoyed as often as possible. B takes the conservative approach. Not only are we waiting for the main course until marriage, we don't even sample or even peak in the kitchen.
So with three big strikes in place, why are we still playing this game?
B is the kindest, most sensitive man, I have ever met. We have fun together! We can talk to each other about everything. He is intelligent and driven. He is generous and unselfish. He makes me feel safe, loved and important. He cares for me and about me. He would never intentially hurt me. He would try to move a mountain if he thought it would make me happy. He makes me laugh and smile. He is the first person I want to share my good stuff with and the one I want to lean on when I am hurting. He lets me cry. He smiles when I laugh. He still goes to movies with me. He loves Disney World and Christmas. He is loyal to his friends...
I could go on and on, but I wonder if it will be enough. Or are we doomed with three strikes.
Prayers
Kurt and Amy in Kenya
Missionaries
Homeless and hungry
Those who suffer oppression in Your name.
Wisdom for our leaders in the Military, government, state, city, church.
Healing for Kim Vertigo, Mom CTD, Grammy leg, Micah tummy, Brian finger, Mrs. W. surgery, Shay cancer
Becky spirit, Brandi home, Radka job, Regina job, Robin relationship, Alisia relationship, Tom spirit, Mac kids spirituality, Dad job, Brian stress/work
Work - focus, wisdom, grace, guidance, witness
Brian and I relationship - direction, gentle spirit, grace, put his needs before mine.
Priorities, purpose, character.
Health, eating, exercise
Praises
Worship today!
Chai Tea Latte and Banana Bread
Big snowflakes
Resources to eat out!
Quality time with Brian.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Crossroads
It took almost the entire week, but by last Saturday the sun and surf of Hawaii had successfully brighten my winter blues and restored some sense of balance to my crazy world.
It took only three full days for my real life to knock me out of whack again.
Today, I woke up with a migrane - my body's way of saying enough. Clearly, I was made for a life of leisure!
I stand at a crossroads yet again.
Choices abound, endless possibilities.
Condemned, bound by excess
How fortunate am I to have the world at my feet,
and yet I do not know what to do.
Too much time, too many choices
Too much money, too many dreams
Too little to relax, too much to lament
Seize, shun, savor?
Does the truth lie around the next bend?
Did I pass up the door behind which contentment lies?
Not enough time, not enough choices
Too little money, too little dreams
Much more to do, much more to feel
Cry, smile, sigh.
It took only three full days for my real life to knock me out of whack again.
Today, I woke up with a migrane - my body's way of saying enough. Clearly, I was made for a life of leisure!
I stand at a crossroads yet again.
Choices abound, endless possibilities.
Condemned, bound by excess
How fortunate am I to have the world at my feet,
and yet I do not know what to do.
Too much time, too many choices
Too much money, too many dreams
Too little to relax, too much to lament
Seize, shun, savor?
Does the truth lie around the next bend?
Did I pass up the door behind which contentment lies?
Not enough time, not enough choices
Too little money, too little dreams
Much more to do, much more to feel
Cry, smile, sigh.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Chemistry II
I was reading some previous journal entries and I realize something had changed. I usually write my ah-ha moments here, but this changed so gradually, I never noted it.
When I met B for the first time after weeks of corresponding, I lamented that there wasn't initial chemistry. In fact, over the next couple of months I went back and forth about our relationship. I loved the time we spent together - he was a great guy, but the attraction wasn't there. He is more sensitive than most guys and at one point I even wondered if he might be gay deep down. (True to form - I figured there must be something wrong with him - it couldn't be me)
More than six months later, our friendship has deepened and as we became closer, the physical chemistry developed. There is no one I'd rather spend time with than B. He is kind, sensitive, fun and funny. He takes the time to figure out what I like and need - and then provides it for me. He challenges me to be more of who I am and less of what others expect me to be. He accepts all my flaws and neuroses as part of what makes me - me and doesn't try to change them. He has captured my heart and I truly believe that he will never break it.
My worry is whether I, with all of my insecurity and doubt, will ever be able to fully trust and commit. I hope so, but only time will tell.
When I met B for the first time after weeks of corresponding, I lamented that there wasn't initial chemistry. In fact, over the next couple of months I went back and forth about our relationship. I loved the time we spent together - he was a great guy, but the attraction wasn't there. He is more sensitive than most guys and at one point I even wondered if he might be gay deep down. (True to form - I figured there must be something wrong with him - it couldn't be me)
More than six months later, our friendship has deepened and as we became closer, the physical chemistry developed. There is no one I'd rather spend time with than B. He is kind, sensitive, fun and funny. He takes the time to figure out what I like and need - and then provides it for me. He challenges me to be more of who I am and less of what others expect me to be. He accepts all my flaws and neuroses as part of what makes me - me and doesn't try to change them. He has captured my heart and I truly believe that he will never break it.
My worry is whether I, with all of my insecurity and doubt, will ever be able to fully trust and commit. I hope so, but only time will tell.
Duh.
Yesterday, I ended up at the doctor - bronchitis and a chest cold. This year, I have been off work more than ever in the past for sickness. Earlier this year, I was off three days with shingles, this is my second bout with bronchitis, I changed my anxiety meds, which resulted in a couple of half days.
I'm beginning to think my job is affecting my health...it's about time I put two and two together - huh? So I suppose the job search is back on.
I'm beginning to think my job is affecting my health...it's about time I put two and two together - huh? So I suppose the job search is back on.
199
At the doctor yesterday, the scale read 199. Another 10 pounds since my last visit.
Today, I was watching this Oprah show on hoarding. This woman could barely move in her home and everyone was shocked by how she could have let things get that bad. I too felt myself judging her and her hubby until I realized her and I are the same.
By all accounts, the problem didn't appear overnight, but slowly crept up. Each year, there was gradually more and more stuff, until things got to the point that it was overwhelming. There was too much to go through, but she still didn't stop.
10 years ago I was 120 lbs and a size 6. Today, I am a size 18 and 199. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly 10 lbs became 20, then 20 became 40 and soon the weight was so overwhelming I didn't know how to start losing it - so I changed nothing. My self esteem suffered. My activity level decline, because it was so hard to exercise - now walking the stairs is a challenge. And then my health began to be affected - liver issues and high cholesterol.
How could this woman allow her home to be overrun with stuff? Her and I are not that different, but my hoarding of food in my body is much, much, more detrimental. I wonder how I can even begin to tackle this problem.
It isn't fair - I am short-changing myself, my family and friends. It is time to put an end to the madness - food isn't worth this. It is time to make a change.
Today, I was watching this Oprah show on hoarding. This woman could barely move in her home and everyone was shocked by how she could have let things get that bad. I too felt myself judging her and her hubby until I realized her and I are the same.
By all accounts, the problem didn't appear overnight, but slowly crept up. Each year, there was gradually more and more stuff, until things got to the point that it was overwhelming. There was too much to go through, but she still didn't stop.
10 years ago I was 120 lbs and a size 6. Today, I am a size 18 and 199. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly 10 lbs became 20, then 20 became 40 and soon the weight was so overwhelming I didn't know how to start losing it - so I changed nothing. My self esteem suffered. My activity level decline, because it was so hard to exercise - now walking the stairs is a challenge. And then my health began to be affected - liver issues and high cholesterol.
How could this woman allow her home to be overrun with stuff? Her and I are not that different, but my hoarding of food in my body is much, much, more detrimental. I wonder how I can even begin to tackle this problem.
It isn't fair - I am short-changing myself, my family and friends. It is time to put an end to the madness - food isn't worth this. It is time to make a change.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Rewriting the Script
Looking back on the last few months, my life seems like a blur. Summer is gone and months have past and yet I am still the same.
Then, again I'm not the same. I am once again a few pounds heavier. My stress level is at an all time high and I know that I am settling - settling for the life I have because I do not know what I want.
My faith is once again on shaky ground, my relationships are floundering and more often than not I feel like I am suffocating. Trapped in the only life I know, unable to escape. There is so much I love here - and yet I am unfulfilled and unhappy.
Unhappy, unfulfilled and angry. Yes, often angry. I am angry at nobody but the Creator himself. I am angry that He gives me no purpose. I am angry that people pervert His great love and mercy for their own purpose and He does nothing. I am angry that questions go unanswered and answers fail.
I feel the sand shifting between my feet and it unsettles me. My mind betrays me.
I changed everything, yet nothing changed. It is I who needs to be different. Changing the scenery doesn't alter the play, it just puts it in a different context. Maybe it is time to rewrite the script entirely.
Then, again I'm not the same. I am once again a few pounds heavier. My stress level is at an all time high and I know that I am settling - settling for the life I have because I do not know what I want.
My faith is once again on shaky ground, my relationships are floundering and more often than not I feel like I am suffocating. Trapped in the only life I know, unable to escape. There is so much I love here - and yet I am unfulfilled and unhappy.
Unhappy, unfulfilled and angry. Yes, often angry. I am angry at nobody but the Creator himself. I am angry that He gives me no purpose. I am angry that people pervert His great love and mercy for their own purpose and He does nothing. I am angry that questions go unanswered and answers fail.
I feel the sand shifting between my feet and it unsettles me. My mind betrays me.
I changed everything, yet nothing changed. It is I who needs to be different. Changing the scenery doesn't alter the play, it just puts it in a different context. Maybe it is time to rewrite the script entirely.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Full of Envy
Who am I?
Faceless, Talentless, Passionless.
Existing from day to day.
Barely breathing, life escapes me.
Where am I?
Homeless, Rootless, Directionless
Searching for a place to stay.
Forever wandering, life eludes me.
What am I?
Tearless, joyless, emotionless
Praying for a better fate.
Empty feelings, life consumes me.
Faceless, Talentless, Passionless.
Existing from day to day.
Barely breathing, life escapes me.
Where am I?
Homeless, Rootless, Directionless
Searching for a place to stay.
Forever wandering, life eludes me.
What am I?
Tearless, joyless, emotionless
Praying for a better fate.
Empty feelings, life consumes me.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The "it" factor
In the last two years or so, I stepped out of my box and began dating.
I've had series of short lived, intense and drama-filled relationships with guys I met in bars, through friends, at work, online....It didn't seem to matter where I met them - the pattern was the same.
With all of them there was a strong initial chemistry - with all of them I knew from the beginning there was a big obstacle - one was 20 years my senior, one was my professional counterpart, one was consistently named one of Chicago's most eligible bachelors, one lived two hours away, another had two young children.
Needless to say, I decided it was time for a change - which means making different choices and a few months ago, I met a different kind of guy online. We've began communicating back in March and started chatting on the phone a couple of weeks back.
Somewhere along the line in our e-mails, we had talked about b-days and he remembered mine was this weekend. So yesterday, he took me for Sushi - one of my favorites, even though he had never tried it. He had a dozen roses waiting for me and bought me a gift.
Now, I'm not a big stuff person, so it was really about the thought he put into it all. The gift was a gift certificate to BN because he knows I love to read. Even the card had white puppies on it because he knows I adore my little white fluff ball Sydney.
He is really good on paper. We have the same values, same interests, same professional drive...etc.
The thing is...the "it" factor that I can't put my finger on isn't there, but I would be very disappointed if he didn't want to see me again.
Our time together is good and comfortable. It reminds me of when I've met some of my closest friends. We weren't best friends yet, but when we met I knew we would be.
Yesterday, we didn't even hold hands - it wasn't natural. I didn't once think about whether or not there would be a kiss at the end of the evening - I just knew there wouldn't be.
Now, it's not like I've never had a guy as a friend first before we started dating - but usually there was something stopping us from dating from the beginning which is why we settled on friends first. In other words, "it" was there but we chose not to act on it.
I guess I don't really know if chemistry, the "it" factor can evolve. Or is the "it" that makes someone attractive to me the same "it" that causes things to fail?
I've had series of short lived, intense and drama-filled relationships with guys I met in bars, through friends, at work, online....It didn't seem to matter where I met them - the pattern was the same.
With all of them there was a strong initial chemistry - with all of them I knew from the beginning there was a big obstacle - one was 20 years my senior, one was my professional counterpart, one was consistently named one of Chicago's most eligible bachelors, one lived two hours away, another had two young children.
Needless to say, I decided it was time for a change - which means making different choices and a few months ago, I met a different kind of guy online. We've began communicating back in March and started chatting on the phone a couple of weeks back.
Somewhere along the line in our e-mails, we had talked about b-days and he remembered mine was this weekend. So yesterday, he took me for Sushi - one of my favorites, even though he had never tried it. He had a dozen roses waiting for me and bought me a gift.
Now, I'm not a big stuff person, so it was really about the thought he put into it all. The gift was a gift certificate to BN because he knows I love to read. Even the card had white puppies on it because he knows I adore my little white fluff ball Sydney.
He is really good on paper. We have the same values, same interests, same professional drive...etc.
The thing is...the "it" factor that I can't put my finger on isn't there, but I would be very disappointed if he didn't want to see me again.
Our time together is good and comfortable. It reminds me of when I've met some of my closest friends. We weren't best friends yet, but when we met I knew we would be.
Yesterday, we didn't even hold hands - it wasn't natural. I didn't once think about whether or not there would be a kiss at the end of the evening - I just knew there wouldn't be.
Now, it's not like I've never had a guy as a friend first before we started dating - but usually there was something stopping us from dating from the beginning which is why we settled on friends first. In other words, "it" was there but we chose not to act on it.
I guess I don't really know if chemistry, the "it" factor can evolve. Or is the "it" that makes someone attractive to me the same "it" that causes things to fail?
Finally forgiven
A few days ago an old colleague mistakenly introduced me by my former last name. It has been years since anyone referred to my former married life...in fact very few people in my life now even know that I was married.
Later that day, it was still on my mind and I googled him.
Years ago, I searched for him online on a fairly regular basis hoping to find that he was arrested or in jail. But as the years went by the bitterness subsided and I no longer cared to find out or know where he was or what he was doing.
There it was...his name on the graduation list for UIC - School of Engineering 2007. He was three classes away from getting his bachelors when he left his life - me, school, his family, his best friend, his church family - he left everyone and everything he knew and loved.
And then the weirdest thing happened - I smiled.
We met at 14 and he was one of my best friends. We fell in love and to date I have never felt the same way about another person. I gladly gave up my dreams, my life, my world for his and didn't regret it.
The pain of the loss no longer has a hold of my memories. I smiled - so proud of him and happy that he found his way back to his passion.
As I sat there truly happy for him - I realized I had finally forgiven.
Later that day, it was still on my mind and I googled him.
Years ago, I searched for him online on a fairly regular basis hoping to find that he was arrested or in jail. But as the years went by the bitterness subsided and I no longer cared to find out or know where he was or what he was doing.
There it was...his name on the graduation list for UIC - School of Engineering 2007. He was three classes away from getting his bachelors when he left his life - me, school, his family, his best friend, his church family - he left everyone and everything he knew and loved.
And then the weirdest thing happened - I smiled.
We met at 14 and he was one of my best friends. We fell in love and to date I have never felt the same way about another person. I gladly gave up my dreams, my life, my world for his and didn't regret it.
The pain of the loss no longer has a hold of my memories. I smiled - so proud of him and happy that he found his way back to his passion.
As I sat there truly happy for him - I realized I had finally forgiven.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Heard
Two things I heard today.
A promise made equals hope.
A promise kept equals trust.
The best way to refute a rumor is to live so that nobody can believe it.
A promise made equals hope.
A promise kept equals trust.
The best way to refute a rumor is to live so that nobody can believe it.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Am I Happy?
I recently returned from a trip to see my sister and her family in Seattle. My new nephew is adorable :)
Anyhoo, on the way to the airport I decided to have a heart to heart with my father who had offered to drop me off.
My folks sat me down about three weeks ago to let me know that they have decided to move to California. While they aren't moving tomorrow, they have started taking actual steps to move in the Spring of 09.
This is big sort of weird news, because while my folks have always wished to have a second home somewhere, they never mentioned moving permanently. But more so, my parents plan to move to southern California where they know nobody. To me this becomes problematic when coupled with the reality that 50% of the time my parents are on the verge of splitting up. Another 45% of the time, they apatheticly tolerate each other and about 5% of the time I think they might actually be glad they are still married.
So on the way to the airport, with the greatest tact I can muster, I mention my concern. Does he really think it is a wise idea for them to be alone together...no distractions...just the two of them...24/7...permanently?
My father answers the question in the affirmative, but his biggest concern is how my sister and I will adjust.
Interesting, my sister lives in Seattle, so exactly how will them moving affect her?
"We'll be just fine, dad."
"No you won't - you never are."
"What?"
"You and your sister are two of the most unhappy people I've ever met. It breaks your mother and I's heart. We don't know why and we don't understand it, but you two can always find a reason to complain, so believe me things won't be fine."
I listened stunned as he explained that my sister and I's openness with my folks - actually sharing authentically about our lives was not what either of them particularly want to hear. They want to hear everything is fine, nothing is wrong, or at least for us to keep our struggles to ourselves.
This criticism strikes me as particularly ironic coming from a man who I believe has NEVER eaten a meal in a restaurant without complaining about part of it. A man who goes on vacations to beautiful resorts and finds something wrong with it.
Of course, as soon as I got to Seattle I shared this tidbit with my sister and we both concluded once again that our parents are likely insane. We reassured each other that we are normal and reasonably happy and for the most part I disregarded my father's criticism.
Then today when I was catching up on my Oprah shows, I watched a show on Happiness and took the Happiness Quiz. Out of a possible 35 points, I only scored 13 and according to the "expert" that means I am extremely dissatisfied with my life. In other words I am not a Happy Person.
So, now I am back to where I was on the plane - wondering whether I am happy.
Rationally, I know that I have no reason to be unhappy. My life is tremendously blessed compared with so many others. But I suppose even a stranger could peak into my life and know that I'm not satisfied. Look at my house, my desk, my body, my schedule, and one could easily conclude that I am a mess.
So if I am blessed beyond measure and yet unhappy,
if I have acheived career success, professional recognition and status, and yet I remain unhappy,
if I lack for no material item and can meet all my needs and most of my wants, and yet I feel unhappy,
if I have my health and those are love are healthy, and yet I am still unhappy.
if I am surrounded in my life by people who love and support me, and yet my unhappiness persists,
Then, I ask how does one acheive happiness?
Anyhoo, on the way to the airport I decided to have a heart to heart with my father who had offered to drop me off.
My folks sat me down about three weeks ago to let me know that they have decided to move to California. While they aren't moving tomorrow, they have started taking actual steps to move in the Spring of 09.
This is big sort of weird news, because while my folks have always wished to have a second home somewhere, they never mentioned moving permanently. But more so, my parents plan to move to southern California where they know nobody. To me this becomes problematic when coupled with the reality that 50% of the time my parents are on the verge of splitting up. Another 45% of the time, they apatheticly tolerate each other and about 5% of the time I think they might actually be glad they are still married.
So on the way to the airport, with the greatest tact I can muster, I mention my concern. Does he really think it is a wise idea for them to be alone together...no distractions...just the two of them...24/7...permanently?
My father answers the question in the affirmative, but his biggest concern is how my sister and I will adjust.
Interesting, my sister lives in Seattle, so exactly how will them moving affect her?
"We'll be just fine, dad."
"No you won't - you never are."
"What?"
"You and your sister are two of the most unhappy people I've ever met. It breaks your mother and I's heart. We don't know why and we don't understand it, but you two can always find a reason to complain, so believe me things won't be fine."
I listened stunned as he explained that my sister and I's openness with my folks - actually sharing authentically about our lives was not what either of them particularly want to hear. They want to hear everything is fine, nothing is wrong, or at least for us to keep our struggles to ourselves.
This criticism strikes me as particularly ironic coming from a man who I believe has NEVER eaten a meal in a restaurant without complaining about part of it. A man who goes on vacations to beautiful resorts and finds something wrong with it.
Of course, as soon as I got to Seattle I shared this tidbit with my sister and we both concluded once again that our parents are likely insane. We reassured each other that we are normal and reasonably happy and for the most part I disregarded my father's criticism.
Then today when I was catching up on my Oprah shows, I watched a show on Happiness and took the Happiness Quiz. Out of a possible 35 points, I only scored 13 and according to the "expert" that means I am extremely dissatisfied with my life. In other words I am not a Happy Person.
So, now I am back to where I was on the plane - wondering whether I am happy.
Rationally, I know that I have no reason to be unhappy. My life is tremendously blessed compared with so many others. But I suppose even a stranger could peak into my life and know that I'm not satisfied. Look at my house, my desk, my body, my schedule, and one could easily conclude that I am a mess.
So if I am blessed beyond measure and yet unhappy,
if I have acheived career success, professional recognition and status, and yet I remain unhappy,
if I lack for no material item and can meet all my needs and most of my wants, and yet I feel unhappy,
if I have my health and those are love are healthy, and yet I am still unhappy.
if I am surrounded in my life by people who love and support me, and yet my unhappiness persists,
Then, I ask how does one acheive happiness?
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Priceless
Train ride to the city $5
Cab to the Hyatt $8
Room for one night $65
Makeover $143
Clothes at Ann Taylor $832
Purse from coach $158
Shoes and accessories $131
Drinks and snacks at the Big Bar $51
Drinks at Gibsons $0
Drinks and dinner at Tavern $0
Drinks and dancing at Jilly's $0
Escaping reality for one day = priceless!
Cab to the Hyatt $8
Room for one night $65
Makeover $143
Clothes at Ann Taylor $832
Purse from coach $158
Shoes and accessories $131
Drinks and snacks at the Big Bar $51
Drinks at Gibsons $0
Drinks and dinner at Tavern $0
Drinks and dancing at Jilly's $0
Escaping reality for one day = priceless!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Hiding from myself
Today, I deliberately made no plans. I should have cleaned my house. I should have gone to the pancake breakfast. I should have gone to work for a few hours. I should have paid my bills. I should have done my laundry. I should have gone to visit Sasha in the hospital. I should have visited with grammy. I should have returned his call. I should have walked Sydney. I should have gotten the oil changed in my car. I should have done my taxes.
i could go on and on with the lists of should'ves today. And yet, I chose a do nothing day. I slept in. read magazines. watched cheesy made for tv movies. ate chocolate frosting from the can. popped popcorn. took a nap.
i feel guilty about these days...these do nothing days, and yet most of the time i do too much. i attend fundraisers, volunteer for events, serve on boards, work 60 hours a week, see my family every weekend, faithful commit to girlfriend night on thurs...
then why do i have such a hard time doing nothing? i think that is because the busyiness is what i do, not who i am.
in my alone time i cannot afford to think. if i think about my life - how i fill my hours and days - i become sad. the same kind of sad as when i look at a photo of myself and do not recognize the person in the picture.
who is this person living my life...because i am pretty sure it isn't really me.
i could go on and on with the lists of should'ves today. And yet, I chose a do nothing day. I slept in. read magazines. watched cheesy made for tv movies. ate chocolate frosting from the can. popped popcorn. took a nap.
i feel guilty about these days...these do nothing days, and yet most of the time i do too much. i attend fundraisers, volunteer for events, serve on boards, work 60 hours a week, see my family every weekend, faithful commit to girlfriend night on thurs...
then why do i have such a hard time doing nothing? i think that is because the busyiness is what i do, not who i am.
in my alone time i cannot afford to think. if i think about my life - how i fill my hours and days - i become sad. the same kind of sad as when i look at a photo of myself and do not recognize the person in the picture.
who is this person living my life...because i am pretty sure it isn't really me.
